Animal 🐐

296

"Outside of a πŸ• dog, a πŸ“– book is man's best friend. Inside of a πŸ• dog it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

239

The πŸ‡¨πŸ‡³ Chinese government have thanked πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Britain for the rescue πŸ• dogs they sent out. They said they were πŸ˜‹ delicious.

222

A panda walks into a restaurant. The waiter takes his order and brings him his food. When he finishes, the panda stands up, gets out a gun and shoots the waiter. Then he gets up to leave. The manager of the restaurant comes to confront the panda: - "You can't just come in here and murder my staff!" The panda gives him a look and replies: - "I'm a panda... look it up." Curious, the manager looks up 'Panda' in the dictionary: Panda (noun) a large mammal that eats shoots and leaves.

169

Where do you find a one-legged πŸ• dog? 😏 Where you left it.

161

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: β€œWoof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: - β€œThere are only nine words here. You could send another β€˜Woof’ for the same price.” - β€œBut that would make no sense at all.”

159

Which day of the week do 🐟 fish hate? Fry-Day.

158

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

147

Me to a friend: - "Why did the chicken cross the road?" - "Why?" - "To get to the gay man's house." - "This joke is shit." - "Knock-Knock" - "Who's there?" - "The chicken."

137

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him: - "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." - "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.

135

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

129

So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear: - "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

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