Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents? "He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter." or "Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family." or "They died together, the perfect couple till the end." Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife. Kind of makes me immortal.
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father: - “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” - “Why do you want to know, son?” - “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it.”
After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks: - "If I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?" - "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos". God promptly asks: - "Why the Eskimos?". - "See, not even you care about Jews!"
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him: - "Give it to me straight doc!" - "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says: - "Besides, I don't want HIV."
Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders. The chief walks to the men and says: - "What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?" The first man thinks for a second and replies: - "I choose Boogaloo”. The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant "boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo". The chief takes the man, bends him over and fucks him up the ass. The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks: - "You must choose, Death or Boogaloo?" The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies: - "I choose death." The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells: - "Death by boogaloo!"
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks: - ☺ "Do you want a bag?" - 😊 "No, she’s not that ugly."
An old man takes his grandson fishing. A little time passes before the grandfather reaches into a cooler and pulls out a beer. Noticing this, the boy goes: - "Hey grandpa, can I have a beer?" - "well can your penis touch your asshole?" - "No..." - "Well then you're not old enough to have a beer!" A little while later the old man lights a cigarette. Once again the little boy notices this and asks: - "Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?" - "Can your penis touch your asshole?" - "No..." - "Well then you're not old enough to have a cigarette!" Some time passes, and then grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of cookies. The grandpa notices this and says: - "Are those grandma's famous chocolate chip cookies?" - "Yep!" - "Can I have one?" - "Well can your penis touch your asshole?" - "Why, yes it can!" the old man replies smugly. - "Well then you can go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill.
What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas don’t scream when they are put in the oven!
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying: - "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying: - "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
A man was sitting near a huge well and chanting: - "12, 12, 12, 12..." A curious passerby came to him and asked: - "What are you counting?" The man pushed the passerby into the well and went on chanting: - "13, 13, 13, 13..."
A doctor says to his patient: - “I have bad news and worse news.” - “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” - “You only have 24 hours to live.” - “That's terrible! How can the news possibly be worse?” - “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: - “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: - “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: - “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
A man and a friend are 🏌 playing golf one day at their local ⛳ golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long ⚰ funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and 🙇 bows down in prayer. His friend says: - 😮 “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. ☺ You truly are a kind man.” - 😐 “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy calls the emergency services and gasps to the operator: - “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: - “Keep calm. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line: - “OK, now what?“
🙃 I want to die peacefully in my 😴 sleep, like my 👴 grandfather. Not 😱 screaming and yelling like the passengers in his 🚗 car.
A spy agency had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to three possible candidates. For the final test, they took one of the men to a large metal door and gave him a gun. - "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair, we need you to kill her." - "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." - "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet and after about five minutes he came out with tears in his eyes: - "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." - "You don't have what it takes." The last man took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow: - "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, I had to strangle that bitch to death."
A priest and politician are on a plane when the plane suddenly begins to nose dive. The priest reaches for the parachutes and says: - "Quick, get the kids!" The politician replies: - "FUCK the kids!" The priest looks at the politician with a look of bewilderment: - "Do you think there's time?"
Think there’s a problem with my smartphone. The battery dies quicker than a black guy in the back of a police van.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said: - “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said: - “Nope, ain't Stanley .” The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said: - “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said: - “No, it ain't Stanley.” The mortician asked: - “How can you tell?” - “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.” - “What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician. - “Yup, we have never seen them, but everybody used to say "there's Stanley with them two ass-holes".”