Want to hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
How Long is a Chinese name.
😫 I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... 😠 Stupid firefighters.
My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100. She's a 10, but it sucks because she's imaginary.
I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him: - "What now?" - "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before."
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: - "Five beers, please."
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
Cool Morals: 1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa. 2. One should love animals. They are tasty too. 3. Save water. Drink beer. 4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick. 5. Books are holy. So don't touch them. 6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught. 7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
I 🍳 cook with 🍷 wine, sometimes I even add it to the 🍲 food.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.
Sometimes I think my family is racist. They caught me having sex with a black girl and none of the kids would talk to me. Then my wife told me to pack my bags and go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: - "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said: - "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening: - "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: - "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams: - “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: - “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says: - “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend: - “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” - “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes.” - “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute: - “Well, * Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. * Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. * Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. * Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. * Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment: - “Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
I hate russian dolls... so full of themselves.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer: - “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks: - “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. - “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. - “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied: - “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”