Lawyer

305

How many lawyers does it take to change a 💡 light bulb? How many can you afford?

302

- "I show you Exhibit 3. Do you recognize that picture?" - "That's me." - "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

301

- "She had three children, right?" - "Yes." - "How many were boys?" - "None." - "Were there any girls?"

300

- "What happened then?" - "He told me, `I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" - "Did he kill you?"

299

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his 🚚 truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest 👍 hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the 🚚 truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins. - 😇 "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!" - 😎 "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

298

A girl to her mother while visiting the cemetery: - 🤔 "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" - ☺ "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, 😮 "why would you think that?" - "The tombstone back there said `Here lies a lawyer and an honest man'."

297

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.

295

Why is a lawyer like a sperm? They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

294

Why don't lawyer jokes work? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

293

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet down instead of the traditional 6? Because deep down, they are good people.

292

A mathematician calculated that if you put all the lawyers of the world, side by side around the equator of the earth... the world would be better off.

291

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? 100 people who don't do dick.

290

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? Nobody cries when you cut a lawyer.

289

What happens when lawyers take Viagra? They grow taller.

288

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

287

Lawyer to client: - 😃 "I have some good news for you." - 😠 "What good news? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit and was sentenced to die in the electric chair." - 😌 "That's all true, but I got the voltage lowered."

286

Why did God make 🐍 snakes just before lawyers? To practice.

235

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked: - "How much is 2+2?" Housewife: - "Four!" Accountant: - "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice: - "How much do you want it to be?"

234

An anxious woman goes to her doctor: - 😓 "Doctor, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" - 😐 "Certainly, where do you think lawyers come from?"

233

It was so cold last ❄️ winter that I saw a lawyer with his 👐 hands in his own pockets.

232

What do you call 999 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

231

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His 👄 lips are moving.

230

What's the difference between a ☠ dead 🐕 dog in the road and a ☠ dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the 🐕 dog.

229

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

228

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.

227

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.

226

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of 💩 shit? The bucket.

225

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

224

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

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