How many lawyers does it take to change a 💡 light bulb? How many can you afford?
- "I show you Exhibit 3. Do you recognize that picture?" - "That's me." - "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
- "She had three children, right?" - "Yes." - "How many were boys?" - "None." - "Were there any girls?"
- "What happened then?" - "He told me, `I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" - "Did he kill you?"
There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his 🚚 truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest 👍 hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the 🚚 truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins. - 😇 "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!" - 😎 "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
A girl to her mother while visiting the cemetery: - 🤔 "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" - ☺ "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, 😮 "why would you think that?" - "The tombstone back there said `Here lies a lawyer and an honest man'."
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.
Why is a lawyer like a sperm? They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
Why don't lawyer jokes work? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet down instead of the traditional 6? Because deep down, they are good people.
A mathematician calculated that if you put all the lawyers of the world, side by side around the equator of the earth... the world would be better off.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? 100 people who don't do dick.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? Nobody cries when you cut a lawyer.
What happens when lawyers take Viagra? They grow taller.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Lawyer to client: - 😃 "I have some good news for you." - 😠 "What good news? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit and was sentenced to die in the electric chair." - 😌 "That's all true, but I got the voltage lowered."
Why did God make 🐍 snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked: - "How much is 2+2?" Housewife: - "Four!" Accountant: - "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice: - "How much do you want it to be?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor: - 😓 "Doctor, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" - 😐 "Certainly, where do you think lawyers come from?"
It was so cold last ❄️ winter that I saw a lawyer with his 👐 hands in his own pockets.
What do you call 999 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His 👄 lips are moving.
What's the difference between a ☠ dead 🐕 dog in the road and a ☠ dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the 🐕 dog.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of 💩 shit? The bucket.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.