I got a 🐕 dog for my wife. It was a good trade.
A married 👫 couple is driving down the 🛣 highway doing 55 Km/h. The 👨 husband is behind the wheel. His 👩 wife looks over at him: - 😐 "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The 👨 husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 Km/h 💨 - 🙂 "I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." 70 Km/h 💨 - 😐 "I want the 🏡 house as well." 75 Km/h 💨 - 😐 "I want the 👦👧 kids." 80 Km/h 💨 - 😐 "And I want the 🏦 bank account and all the 💳 credit cards." 85 Km/h 💨 - 😌 "You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. 😄 "Isn't there anything you want?" - ☺ "I've got all I need." - 😮 "What's that?" - 😏 "The airbag."
A 👦 kid to his 👨 dad: - 🤔 "Is it true, 👨 Dad, I heard that in some parts of 🌍 Africa a man doesn't know his 👰 wife until he 💒 marries her?" - 😔 "That happens in 🗺 most countries, 👦 son."
A husband and 👩 wife are eating 🍜 soup. The 👩 wife spills 🍜 soup all over her and says: - 😰 "Oh no, I look like a 🐷 pig" - 😏 "Yes, and you also have 🍜 soup all over you!"
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. - "Where the hell do you think you're going?" - "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. - "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. - "I'm coming with you... I want to see how you survive on $800 a year."
A man walks into his doctor's office. His doctor tells him: - "Your wife's results came back positive. I can't remember if it was AIDS or Alzheimer's though." - "That's not very helpful. Can you just test her again?" - "How about you leave her in the middle of the forest and if she finds her way home don't fuck her."
A wife to her husband: - "Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing?" - "Because the people would think I am beating you."
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied: - "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
A wife to her husband: - "Dear, what would you do if I died?" - "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset. Why do you ask such a question?" - "Would you remarry?" Persevered the wife. - "No, of couse not, dear." - "Don't you like being married?" - "Of course I do, dear." - "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" - "Alright, I'd remarry." - "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. - "Yes." - "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" Said the wife after a long pause. - "Well yes, I suppose I would." - "I see." Said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes? - "I suppose, if she wanted to." - "Really." Said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" - "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." - "Is that so?" Said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." - "Of course not, dear, she's left-handed."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says: - "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said: - "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." - "Why not," giggles the woman. - "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large break-dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: - "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." - "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!"
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there: - "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman: - "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice: - "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife: - "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there: - "Do you have a Vagina?" - "Yes I do." - "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A wife to her husband: - "How would you describe me?" - "ABCDEFGHIJK" - "What does that mean?" - "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous and hot." - "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" - "I'm just kidding!"
Can’t believe how weird my wife is. Every time we have a conversation she always starts with: - “Did you hear what I just said?”
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband inserts "Mypenis" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says: "Error. Not long enough."
On their way to get married, a catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said: - "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. - "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven." - "Great!", said the couple, "but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. - "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. - "OH, COME ON!! It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"