Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed. I said: - "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." - "What trick?" - "The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"
Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?
While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices the largest penis he has ever seen. - "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz, but I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. - "I have something to show you that you won't believe." - "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on one thousand people.
Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?
How do you wake up Lady gaga? Poke her face.
What book do you like the most? Woman: "My husband's checkbook."