Women 👩

259

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

246

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed. I said: - "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." - "What trick?" - "The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

197

Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

178

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

172

If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?

162

While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices the largest penis he has ever seen. - "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz, but I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. - "I have something to show you that you won't believe." - "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

152

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on one thousand people.

98

Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?

97

How do you wake up Lady gaga? Poke her face.

95

What book do you like the most? Woman: "My husband's checkbook."

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